ACT I INT. SPACESHIP - EVENING (IAN, XERC, PAULA, JORGE, KAY, RECEPTIONIST, SECRETARY, LABELLE) THE BAND IS EATING CHINESE-STYLE FOOD. IAN IS READING A ROLLING STONE-STYLE MAGAZINE, THE OTHERS ARE GOING THROUGH MAIL. IAN Look at this. XERC What's up? IAN There's a whole page devoted to Johnny Alpha. XERC The guy from the Clones? PAULA (mouth full) A uf e a wan wuf en. IAN Yeah! I mean...why don't they just let him fade away in peace? JORGE Hey, 'Meet the Clones' is a great album. PAULA (mouth full) A uf e a wan wuf en! IAN ...I mean the band had ONE successful album, and six years later, they still waste space in MAJOR magazines on this... GUY... in the studio, toiling away at the indefinitely forthcoming follow-up, when they COULD be writing articles about up-and-coming acts. XERC Like us? IAN ...like US! We're so much more talented than that overrated goon. PAULA (mouth full) A uf e a wan wuf en!! XERC That magazine's just a hype-rag anyway. Even the articles are just ads. IAN Yeah, I mean who falls for this crap? Are teenagers really that dumb? (GESTICULATES WITH MAGAZINE) THIS dumb??? JORGE Still...'Meet The Clones' is a great album. IAN (sighs) Yeah. Maybe I'm just jealous. PAULA (pauses, finger raised, chews and swallows) Ahem!... I was in a band with him. XERC WHAAAAAAAAT?!? You're pooging with us! PAULA No, really. Before he was a "Big Star", Johnny Alpha was John Alphonzo, singer/songwriter for Plywood Squadron. We were pretty hot in the Ortooma scene for a while. JORGE Wait. Wait a minute. Plywood Squadron... Did you guys do that album with just the wood cover, nothing on it? PAULA Yeah, Ply Against Ply. IAN I HAD that album in college! That was you? SHE NODS IAN (CONT'D) And Johnny Alpha?!?! Why didn't you ever tell us this before? PAULA Well....the situation kinda sucked. As soon as we started getting some major label interest, some big-shot producer convinced Johnny that the rest of us were holding him back, creatively. He signed a big-money contract behind our backs, and then had the gall to try to 'hire us' as his back-up band. The guitarist and I left, the drummer had just gotten married, so he stuck around. For a little while. After a month or two, Johnny fired him, along with the rest of the band, then hired new ones, then fired them. Eventually he realized that the only person who could stand his presence long enough to work with him was himself. So he had himself cloned. The suits loved it, it was very marketable, and The Clones were born.. err.. grown... hatched? PAUSE IAN So you haven't talked to him since? PAULA Nope. XERC Daaaaamn! JORGE So, have you ever tried to parlay that into something else? PAULA What do you mean? XERC Like...you're an ex-member of what eventually became The Clones. It's like you're in The Clones. You should be able to get some media attention out of that. PAULA Well, I don't IAN At least use that as an 'in'. Get your proverbial foot in the proverbial door. KAY ENTERS PAULA I don't think that.. XERC Hey, Kay...did you know Paula used to be in The Clones? KAY I thought the Clones were all Clones? JORGE She was in a band that became the Clones. KAY You were cloned? PAULA No, look: I used to be in a band with Johnny Alpha, a few years ago, before he got huge. XERC (returning to eating) You think we could use that somehow? PAULA Use? IAN Do you know anyone who we..she can call, someone that might get us an in with? PAULA Guys, it's not that big a deal. JORGE What about that guy from Interdimensional Entertainment? PAULA Mr. Labelle ? He hated us. IAN Yeah, but that was before he knew that us had you in it! Kay, do you still have his number? KAY Sure. IAN Great! Paula, give him a call. PAULA What? No, this is rediculous! XERC Come ON! This could be our big break! PAULA The only 'big break' this is going to be is your heart....When you..ummm.. XERC IAN DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! JORGE It's worth a shot. PAULA OK, FINE! Just so you guys can see that getting the attention of a major label isn't that easy. It takes years of making a name for yourself, and even then... JORGE It's ringing. SCREEN IS FLASHING, THEN DISPLAYS A WOMAN AT A DESK RECEPTIONIST Hello, InterEnter. How may I direct your call? PAULA (nervous) Umm...Hi. My name's Paula, I used to be in a band with... RECEPTIONIST Music division? Please hold. SCREEN GOES BLANK PAULA See? They're too big to notice anything. SECRETARY InterEnter Music, how may I help you? PAULA Hi. My name's Paula, I used to be in a band calle Plywood Squadron with Johnny Alpha, I was wondering if.. SECRETARY Johnny Alpha, please hold. PAULA They probably get a million of these calls every day. "I used to be in a band that opened for Greezbinn, once. Can I get a record deal?" They probably have a secretary just to get rid of people like me. That's who we're holding for. THE SCREEN BLINKS BACK TO LIFE, THE DESK OF MR. LABELLE LABELLE LaBelle here. Who's this? PAULA Gah! Uhhh..hello, sir. My name's Paula, I uhhh... LABELLE My secretary informs me that you used to be in a band with our boy, Johnny Alpha? PAULA Uhhh...yes. Yes! Plyw... LABELLE Great! I'd love to meet with you. How soon can you get here? PAULA Soon? Get? LABELLE Ok, that's perfect. I'll pencil you in. PAULA Buh... LABELLE See you then. SCREEN GOES TO BLACK XERC IAN WOOOOOOO! JORGE That was much better than we could have hoped! KAY I'll plot a course for the Intergalactic Entertainment offices. PAULA SIGHS, MORE CHEERS, END OF ACT I ACT II THE NEXT DAY (PAULA, SECRETARY, LABELLE, IAN, JORGE, XERC, VARONE, ALPHA) THE GANG ARRIVES AT THE OFFICES OF INTERGALACTIC ENTERTAINMENT. A MUSICAL MONTAGE OF THEM BEING DIRECTED AND RE-DIRECTED AROUND THE OFFICE COMPLEX. FINALLY, THEY ARRIVE AT THE OFFICE OF MISTER LABELLE. PAULA Hi, my name is Paula. I'm here to see Mr. LaBelle. SECRETARY Who are they? PAULA They? Oh. They're my band. SECRETARY (buzzing) Mr. LaBelle, there's a 'Paula' and her back-up band to see you? LABELLE Send her in! SECRETARY Go ahead. THE GANG WALKS INTO THE OFFICE, MR. LABELLE IS STANDING, STARING OUT HIS WINDOW. HIS LAWYER, VARONE, IS STANDING BY LABELLE'S DESK. LABELLE Come in, come in. Who are these guys? PAULA Uh. Hi. These? These are my band. We. We are my band. Hi. Mr. LaBelle. EVERYBODY SMILES, SAYS 'HI, MR. LABELLE' IAN Um..I just wanted to thank you. For, y'know, giving us this opportunity to...see You. JORGE Talk to you, actually. IAN Yeah. Talk. It's...I Mean...the life of a record executive must be busy, so I can appreciate that you took time out of your schedule to see us, when you could be.... XERC Executing. IAN Yeah. NO! VARONE (TO PAULA) According to Mr. LaBelle's secretary, you were in a band with one Johnny Alpha? PAULA Yes. Sir. SIr. But he was John Alphonso at the time. VARONE What was the name of this band? PAULA Uh...Plywood Squadron? VARONE When was this? LABELLE Come on, Varone, take it easy. We didn't bring the lady here to be interrogated. Have a seat. All of you. THEY SIT. VARONE IS NOW THE ONLY ONE STANDING. LABELLE (CONT'D) Now. You're probably a bit confused as to why you're here. I don't spend my days entertaining nobodys without a reason. You were in a band with Johnny. How close were you two? PAULA Wait, what are you implying? LABELLE How did you part ways? Was it...amicable? PAULA Well, it was a bit heated at the time, I mean we were all annoyed at him. But I'd say it was ...amicable. LABELLE Hrm. Good. Varone? Fill them in. VARONE (opening folder) Just about four years ago, after the tour in support of 'Send In The Clones', Johnny Alpha went into the studio to record the follow up. After several weeks without any progress, he asked to be moved to a different studio facility, one a little more rural. Two months went by. Not a word. Nothing recorded. When pressed, he produced some demo recordings, but admitted to feeling surrounded, and asked to be moved again. This pattern continued until he settled into his current location, the ancient Toopan monastery on Serm VI, just outside of the galactic rim. GASPS (SERM VI IS FAR) VARONE (CONT'D) Days after his arrival, we lost contact. This is the last recording we received from the monastery: VARONE CLICKS A BUTTON, A LOW-GRADE RECORDING CAN BE HEARD ALPHA (singing in a warbly tone) My dog has..... A DINN ERUPTS, A MESS OF SEVERAL INSTRUMENTS AND SOUNDS. IT CONTINUES FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. VARONE FAST FORWARDS, IT CONTINUES, HE FAST FORWARDS AGAIN. HE STOPS THE TAPE. VARONE It arrived in our office wrapped in a piece of newspaper that simply read 'fleas'. IAN Woah. VARONE Indeed. LABELLE Sounds like Johnny's lost a sock, if you know what I'm saying. XERC So you're looking for fresh blood to fill the bill? We're there. We're ready. VARONE Not quite. VARONE (CONT'D) We want you to go there. Find Johnny, and...take care of him. IAN You...You want us to KILL him?!? LABELLE What are you, an idiot? DO you know how much we have riding on this goofball? That's why we don't just call the police and have him hauled in for loitering on our dime. We've laid out a lot of advance money for this album to turn out right, and we still need it to happen. XERC So you want us to kill him, and record the new album ourselves, right? Gotcha. LABELLE THROWS HIS STAPLER AT XERC VARONE Mister LaBelle is hoping that YOU can get to Johnny, and convince him to get back to work. Get his creative juices flowing. He won't listen to us. But he knows you. He'll trust you. PAULA THAT's why you called us here? I'm sorry, Mr. LaBelle. We thought that when you wanted to see us, it was because you liked our band and wanted to sign us. LABELLE LIKED you? I've never heard you OR heard OF you. But if that's what it takes. Get Alpha to deliver, and I'll put out your album. Varone, have them sign something. EXCITED, THE BAND RUSHES IN TO SIGN CUT TO: INT. SPACESHIP-DAY (JORGE, PAULA, IAN, XERC, KAY, GUARD) THE GANG IS EN ROUTE TO THE MONASTERY JORGE So you said you were kind of on the outs when you last talked to Johnny, right? PAULA A little. Kinda. IAN What's 'a little' ? XERC Yeah, where'd you leave it? What's the last thing you said to him? PAULA Hrm....Probably "..and the horse you rode in on!" JORGE That doesn't exactly sound friendly. PAULA Well, it was a stupid fight, and it was a long time ago. Water under the bridge. IAN You didn't say it in a funny way? It wasn't the punchline to a joke or anything? PAULA No. I was screaming it. And throwing studio equipment. At his head. UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE JORGE So.....how far away are we, exactly? KAY Should be about....eighteen hours. JORGE Eighteen, you say. MONTAGE OF UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE SPANNING SEVERAL HOURS CONSOLE BEEPS KAY OK! We're at the rim! XERC Wow. Kinda desolate. IAN Well, this is the edge of civilization. What'd you expect? THEY STOP AT A CHECKPOINT, ARE SCANNED GUARD Where you folks headed? PAULA Serm VI. The monastery. GUARD Ha. Good luck. XERC What's that supposed to mean? GUARD You'll see. LAUGHS, BUZZES THEM THROUGH THEY LAND ON SERM VI KAY We set down in the port, it's still a few hours upriver to the monastery itself. PAULA How're we going to get upriver? CUT TO: EXT. BOAT-DAY (PAULA, SKIPPER, KAY, BALL, XERC, IAN) THE GANG IS NOW DECKED OUT IN LIFE VESTS XERC IS LEANED OVER THE SIDE, AS IF HE'S SEASICK, BUT THEN HE COMES UP WITH A STRANGE ALIEN FISH IN HIS MOUTH. PAULA IS TALKING TO THE BOAT SKIPPER. PAULA DO you take a lot of people up here to the monastery? SKIPPER HAHA. No. No Body. HHAHAHA! PAULA Well...We're going up to see a friend of ours. Do you know who Johnny Alpha is? SKIPPER ALPHA! HAHAHAHA! (nodding) NO! AHAHA! PAULA Umm...Ok. I'm going to sit back with my friends. Thanks. SKIPPER HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Begins to sing) SHE WALKS BACK TO THE GANG PAULA OK, nobody talk to the skipper. SKIPPER (off-screen)OK! HAHAHAHAH! KAY I've been reading the history of the area. Apparently the monastery first became a studio about 23 years ago. A pop artist came here, trying to capture the authentic sounds of the natives for an album. As they worked with him on padding out his songs, they gradually learned how to use the equipment. Then they killed him and ate him. And recorded it. And it went to number thirty-two on the world music charts the following year. BALL (off-screen)HEY! HEY! Hey hey hey! THEY RUSH TO THE SIDE, LOOK ON SHORE SKIPPER Monastery! XERC Who's that? BALL Hey! You guys are here for the Alpha, I bet, right? Alpha? Bet? Right? I'm Ball. Hello! Hey! THE GANG GETS OFF THE BOAT IAN Hi, uhh...Ball. I'm Ian, this is... BALL No, don't...don't TELL, man. Don't SAY. Don't say who you are if you don't KNOW. And you don't, man! The only one who knows anything here is the ALPHA, man! The ALPHAMAN! ANd he... BALL GETS ATTACKED BY A TIGER-LIKE ALIEN BEAST THE GANG WALKS INTO THE STUDIO CUT TO: INT. STUDIO (ALPHA, STUDIO NATIVE, PAULA) JOHNNY ALPHA HAS A BEARD AND LONG HAIR. HE IS WEARING HEADPHONES AND REPEATEDLY HITTING A BIG MARCHING BAND DRUM WITH A TROMBONE, AS A DRONING MESS OF MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. AFTER SEVERAL HITS, HE STOPS. WE SEE TWO NATIVES IN THE RECORDING BOOTH. ALPHA OK! Cut it. That was a good one. STUDIO NATIVE Ommblaka! Cha-Koom. ALPHA What? To see ME? Who? PAULA Hi, John. Long time, no see. ALPHA DROPS THE TROMBONE, STARTLED. CUT TO: INT. ALPHA'S ROOM (ALPHA, JORGE, PAULA, IAN, XERC) THE GANG AND ALPHA IS SITTING AND DRINKING TEA ALPHA ...so there was even more pressure to produce, so I've decided to do the least commercial stuff I can come up with. You know, kind of a 'Poog-you!' to the suits. JORGE Neat. THE OTHERS GLARE AT HIM ALPHA So. What brings you here? PAULA Ha. That's funny. That you asked that. Because WE were actually asked by Mr. LaBelle to... ALPHA Oh, no. THEY sent you? Sent you to fetch me? PAULA Not to fetch, no! To help! ALPHA You can help me by going back there and telling InterEnter that....that...that I'm washed up. IAN What? ALPHA I've got nothing. I'm a failure. I can't come up with anything good. That's really why I'm doing the noise projects and hiding here. I have not a single creative musical spark left in my hollow shell. PAULA Woah. What happened? ALPHA The pressure to produce. The lack of anybody creative to feed off of. It's a nightmare. You guys have it so great. (to native) Mortok? Can I have another one of these? (pointing to tropical drink) Thanks. You really do. XERC How so? IAN Yeah, I mean we're struggling to achieve some semblance of what you have. And you think WE have it good? ALPHA Of course! You only have yourselves to answer to. You're out there working for yourselves! And you have each other! PAULA John, you HAD a band. Several bands. And you fired them all. ALPHA Yeah, but we never had the chemistry...the connection that you guys seem to have. I'm sure you guys get into the studio and the stuff just flows, right? JORGE Kinda. ALPHA See? THAT's what I'm talking about. Do you record? IAN Yeah, that's actually part of the deal with LaBelle. We fet...HELP you out, and he puts out our album. XERC You want to hear it? ALPHA Sure! I'd love to hear it. THEY PUT THE ALBUM ON ALPHA (CONT'D) Yes! Yes! The energy! The honesty! This... This... (looks at the gang) Friends, you can go back to InterEnter and tell them 'Mission Accomplished'! This wonderful collection of songs you've assembled has reminded me what I loved about music in the first place. PAULA Really? So you're going to do the new album? ALPHA As soon as I see you floks off, I'm going straight into the studio to listen to your album again, and see where it gets me. I am INSPIRED! JORGE Wow, that's great! ALPHA And I'm going to make sure that LaBelle gives your composition the utmost attention. I can't thank you enough. Especially you, Paula. Thanks for coming to my rescue. PAULA (blushing) Hehe. CUT TO: INT. INTERENTER OFFICES (VARONE, LABELLE, PAULA, IAN) THE GANG IS BACK IN LABELLE'S OFFICE VARONE Mister LaBelle is quite pleased with your success in your mission to rescue Johnny Alpha. LABELLE Quite pleased, quite pleased. VARONE The tracks we've received from him are pure gold. PAULA So, you'll put out our album? VARONE Of course Mr. Labelle is willing to uphold his end of the bargain. Do you have the album with you? PAULA Sure. Yeah! Kay? KAY PRODUCES A COPY OF THE ALBUM VARONE Just leave it on the desk. Mr. LaBelle will listen to it and decide which division can best handle it. IAN Wow, that's great thanks! CUT TO: INT. SPACESHIP (XERC, IAN, PAULA, VARONE, LABELLE, KAY, JORGE) THE GANG IS GIDDY WITH EXCITEMENT XERC Oh, man this is it! IAN Yeah, see what we meant about a foot in the door, Paula? PAULA Yeah, I guess it worked out pretty well. PHONE RINGS. IT'S LABELLE. PAULA (CONT'D) Hi, Mr. LaBelle, what's up? Did you listen to the album? VARONE Mr. LaBelle does not like to be toyed with. He's a busy man. PAULA What? LABELLE I'm a busy man, Irene. And out of sheer generosity I agree to put out your album, and you give me a disc full of Johny Alpha's tracks?! PAULA WHAT? Kay, did you give him the right disc? KAY Of course! IAN There's got to be some mistake! VARONE Mister LaBelle believes the mistake is yours, for blatantly plagiarizing the tracks you inspired Johnny Alpha to record, and trying to pass it off as an album of your own! What kind of a fool do you take him for? LABELLE What kind of fool, Irene? PAULA But...but? VARONE Please consider any agreements between us null and void at this point. Good bye. JORGE AHHHHH!H!H! PAULA No!No! NO! XERC THAT JERK STOLE OUR ALBUM! IAN NICE FRIENDS, PAULA! PAULA Me? YOU told me to call the major label guys! I was happy! CUT TO: EXT. SPACESHIP . THE GANG CAN BE HEARD SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER AS THE SHIP FLIES INTO THE DISTANCE. THE END